I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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