Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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