I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize