when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
