Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
