Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
