There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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