i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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