dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
