What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize