we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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