Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
