I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
