Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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