Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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