mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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