he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
