My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
