Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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