wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
