I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
