I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
