I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
