I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
