I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
