Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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