At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
