is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
