so that wasnt chicken after all
he fucked my hip out of place.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
