forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
