She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
