Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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