he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
