I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
