You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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