your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
