I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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