So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
