the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
