my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We are two peas in an std pod
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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