taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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