Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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