i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
