eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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