If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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