Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
time to smoke my breakfast
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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