I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
