Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
