I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
