I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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