My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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