Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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