He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
