Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
