The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
