3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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