At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
