I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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