Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
