I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
