I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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