Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
