totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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