I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What a dumb baby whore.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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