i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
